Jake Pavlica
Composing the Self
Final Blog Post

Literary Retrospect:
What Pieces from the School Year Influenced Me in No Particular Order

“The Heart as a Torn Muscle” by Randon Billings Noble
When we first entered the Lyric Essay unit I was skeptical. I’ve always had reservations about pieces that get to “cute” with the format, such as putting a narrative into a grocery list or something of that variety. Upon reading “The Heart as a Torn Muscle” I was swayed to the other end of the spectrum. The way the author was able to capture such visceral, universal sentiment of love, or lust, at first sight really resonated with me. It was written as a sort of medical guide or first aid steps to help someone through that instantaneous feeling of being attracted to someone who you know you may not be able to have. The language was medical at times but would often shift to these generalizations that many can relate to. This piece is when I started to understand that universal appeal that good writing uses; the ability to make one persons experience relate to others. The effect it had on me was that the format of writing is a tool to push a specific point. The content of the piece and the format of the narrative go hand and hand in showing what the author is trying to say. After reading this I released how topic that seems so bored can have an impact on a reader and serve as an engaging look into the authors beliefs and relate to a broader audience.

“This is Water” by David Foster Wallace
The first piece we read was really what made me excited about the class. Wallace’s voice is so prevalent in his writing and that was something I have always wanted to achieve. He isn’t a chameleon in the slightest. Even when giving what could ave easily turned into a vague, weed empowering speech turned into a lesson in observance and humanity. He tackled reality and he never once faltered in his style. He juggled an impressive vocabulary with an impactful message. What really stuck with me was the fact that he was in an academic environment, amongst scholars, and he chose to be grounded and realistic rather than highlighting his own achievements or genius. Wallace’s humbleness really shines through and the transcript of the speech was impossible to put down. No only was the speech enthralling but it was easy to read. I think that is an overlooked quality in the literary world. Often times genius is associated with verbosity and the citing of resources, but I think its 5he ability to keep an audience entertaining and use language that they can absorb. Though Wallace uses wild metaphors such as the fish who are unknowing of the environment around them, to push his point the reader is never lost. What I really wanted to take away from this piece was the ability to never compromise my voice no matter the occasion or the subject matter, I wanted to make every piece sound like me.

“Just Kids” by Patti Smith
Memoir is the hardest writing to approach in my opinion. I could never bring myself to feel that I was saying was relevant or interesting to anyone but me. Perhaps its because I’m so young that I don’t feel I have enough of a live to report on just yet. What I realized was that the memoir is all about finding singular moments in time that hold weight in a narrative sense. In Patti Smith’s memoir she begins her story in her apartment on the day she found out her husband, the love of her life, died. The scene she sets is nothing out of the ordinary, she is in her apartment with her child watching cartoons. There is nothing monumental happening in that space. The power in this scene comes from her thoughts on what is happening around her. She talks about the waving curtains, she talks about the cheery nature of the cartoons all in the context of having just experienced a shattering loss. The scene around her begins to change as she describes the emotions she went through on that morning. I learned from her the importance of staying in a moment for the audience and reader to be able to understand your reality. When talking about yourself it can be easy to gloss over things, because they are things you already know have have happened and for you there is obvious context. Smith was able to bring the reader into that apartment with her to feel what she felt. Her ability to translate her mentality was truly impressive.

“The Weight of Things” by Emily Rapp
This story stood out to me immediately because of its topic. It talks about the death of the authors child and how she copes with her loss. It is a delicate subject, both to read and to write. Rapp is unfiltered with her emotions which makes the piece that much more gripping. She takes us through her sorting through her child’s old clothes and recollecting back on when her child was diagnosed with the illness that killed him. It is a heavy hearted story, and the reader cant help but feel sympathy for the author. What made me enjoy this piece was her attitudes toward sympathy, particularly sympathy cards. She is obviously conscious of the tone of her story and so when she goes into a rant about the hollowness behind pastel colored sympathy cards we are able to feel her rage. her story is grounded and harsh as well as being delicate and beautiful. She balances the level of this perfectly and the sporadic way in which it changes at times is very reflective of her mental state. Much like Patti Smith, we are there with her in her grief as she works through it. It is a strong emotional appeal to any mother, father, or offspring to know whats its like to loose a child. I learned a lot about the use of emotion through this piece. It felt real and human. Nothing was sugar coated or sacrificed for the sake of artistic language; though her writing is well crafted.

Jake Pavlica
Composing the Self
Auto-Ethnography
Final Draft

Face to Face

In the early morning hours, the shades still shut preventing the grey gloom of the morning from fulling waking me, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Like a stranger passing on the street I don’t often give myself a second glance when I pass my reflection. On this day I turned back around and faced myself. It dawned on me that rarely do I look at myself in the mirror . Brushing my teeth and thinking about which plaid shirt I’ll wear today a singular question pings around my head like a pin ball machine; who am I?
I usually don’t give such existential questions the time of day. Asking myself metaphysical questions has never been something that gives me clarity, rather it just clouds my mind with so much thought that I begin picking apart every aspect of my being until only the surface level exoskeleton remains. For this reason I found this question interesting to explore. What really makes up an identity? The first thing I jump to is my experience. I have gone through public schooling, found a passion for art, and I’m fond of weekend debauchery just the same as many others. The small details of the categories we put ourselves in are the ones that make up our own ideas of ourselves.
With this exhibition into the heart of identity I will be interviewing others to find out what it is that makes us tick. For many, the culture they were born into becomes a primary baseline for their personality. Being born into religion, or a deeply rooted culture becomes our first insight into morality, the self, and our own ideals. It can act as guidelines for many; a set of rules to make life more understandable and structured. What I am curious to find out is what happens when someone begins to stray from the lifestyle they have been immersed in since birth. How do we find ourselves again when we begin swimming agains the current of the ideals we have been taught to be sacred.
One thing that is always brought up when speaking about identity is the concept of nature versus nurture. Nature versus nurture posits whether or not we are the sum of our genetics or the product of our environment. For many, the genetics they are given is a major source of their identity, given that certain aspects of life can be easier or difficult judging by the genetic code you are given. Our appearance is what shapes our interactions with society; how people treat us and the groups we find ourselves connecting with. Outside of society comes nurture, which relates to our home and family values. Nurture seeks to understand how our family atmosphere dictates our morals and worldview. The two terms are very much interconnected. I for one think it isn’t a versus relationship, but more of the two walking hand and hand. Either can be supported by the other, but the important takeaway is how does it determine your own mindset.
I was born a white male. Needless to say I have not faces the same amount of adversity as others who have faced systematic oppression in our society. Life can be hard for everyone at times, but being born a white male means that my skin color or gender has never been a factor that made life more difficult. I have always seen myself as an ally to those who have been through hardship with how society or their family has treated them. Though I cannot always relate to someones experience with hardship I lend an empathetic ear to them in order to find out what they have been through and what small things I can do to lessen that burden.
I have a great deal of friends who have experienced being an outsider in places that should feel like homes. In my interviews I will ask the following questions to get down to the root of what it is that led them to the paths they are on now.
When I was growing up, a process that I am not pretentious enough to admit is over, I considered myself a black sheep. I felt like I always stuck out of a crowd like a sore thumb and I wore that paranoia on my sleeve. I was jittery and didn’t know where I fit in. I was overweight as a child, a subject which I am still sensitive about. I was never piked first for teams in PE and I was never the kid that girls had a crush on. I was a goofy, disproportioned weirdo and I don’t think that has changed. Because I felt I was unattractive and had nothing to prove I never burdened myself with fulfilling expectations. In class I was unfiltered and a joker, I would try to make people laugh so they would like me and I actually ended up making some friends because of this. Low self esteem has a way of building up inside of you, and it creates a pressure unlike anything else. Everyone has experienced it. I would keep my eyes on the floor and hoped none would look at me for very long for fear that they would see the self hate that oozed from my being. Even with the the neurosis I held to be liked by everyone, I felt it was all in vain and that I would be a fat kid forever. In a way I was right. The second guessing and fear of not being found attractive sticks with you forever. Self consciousness is apart of every waking hour of my life and I could sit for hours picking apart the things I dislike about myself without ever seeing the full picture in the mirror. That pudgy mass of nervous energy is still inside and I don’t think I want it to go away. Because I was the cute fat kid no one expected anything from me. I wasn’t the hot guy on the playground that girls fawned over and chased; I was the kid who talked to his teachers like human beings and read comic books on the school benches and wished he could fly.
We develop our identity through our relationships.
Our first impression of friendship and connection comes from our parents, but that attention at times feels like a technicality. We cannot choose our family and we are older by that familial relationship. The family we can chose are our friends. As a child I felt that my personality was split down the middle between the one that my parents saw and my friends saw. Around my parents I was innocent, polite and respectful, but around my friends I unleashed some primal version of myself. I think this dichotomy is common when discovering what we are really all about. At some point the two personalities we juggle between these two enrollments converges and becomes who we display to the world.
My experience as an adolescence provided a baseline for my personality. Based on the genetics traits I was dealt, I manifested as the person I am now. Certain thing change over time; true, but that fundamental memory of a past life is still there. The people I meet now have no idea of who I used to be, of the clogged pours and bashful eyes that peered out through stringy blond bangs. Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of that old me walking past me in a reflection. I see that person in my shadow and I see that person when I feel others eyes on me. My past self will never be truly gone and I am grateful. I have been humbled by my beginnings and though those times were difficult and often completely miserable, I came out feeling like a better version of myself.
According to Jenny Nicholls, author of “The Nature of Nurture: How Much Genes Determine Identity.” These are the traits most commonly associated with being passed down genetically:
1 Personality 40%
2 General intelligence (e.g. reasoning) 50%
3 Spatial ability (e.g. navigation) 70%
4 Remembering faces 60%
5 Verbal ability 60%
6 School achievement 60%
7 Reading disability 60%
8 Autism 70%
9 Schizophrenia 50%
10 Stomach ulcers 70%
11 Breast cancer 10%
12 Weight 70%
13 Height 80%
14 Eye color 95%

I for one see only validity in physical features. To express that someone is merely a carbon copy of two conjoined organisms is a laughable statement. Science has a way of generalizing that I personally cannot get behind. It was not until a few years ago that academic physiology papers had to formally address that no two cases are exactly alike in terms of psychological nature, so why should personality be treated any different. I have a story belief that people are an analogous mixture of their genetics and their environments which come together to create the cohesive consciousness.
To combat the theory of passed down personality comes an article from Bandura and Mischel. “Walter Mischel’s Theory of Personality states that an individual’s behavior is influenced by two things-the specific attributes of a given situation and the manner in which he perceives the situation. In contrast to the traditional social cognitive theories, Mischel argued that a person only behaves in a similar manner whenever these actions are highly probable to yield into the same results. He emphasized that we have individual differences, so our values and expectancies must be consider in predicting a person’s behavior and personality.

According to Mischel, there are five person variables that contribute to the conditions of a specific situation. They are used in predicting how a person will most likely behave.”
1 Competencies – our intellectual capabilities as well as social skills.
2 Cognitive Strategies – the different perceptions of a specific event. For instance, what may be “threatening” for you may be “challenging” to another person.
3 Expectancies – the expected results of different behaviors that are realized by the person inside his mind.
4 Subjective Values – the respective value of each possible outcomes of various behaviors.
5 Self-regulatory systems – the groups of rules and standards that people adapt to in order to regulate their behavior.
The idea of adaption is prevalent, indicating that we are datable creatures, never fully formed and constantly in flux. Like my schooling example, we learn from the environment we are placed into and the baseline of the genetics we know to be ours is only a technicality in how we act in these situations.

My interview was conducted with a person that I will refer to as “F” to protect the anonymity of this person, who happens to be a close friend of mine. F is transgender and identifies as a man. His story stands out to me in particular because the idea of the gender spectrum has only recently become apart of the normal everyday experience. Gender fluid and transgender people have come forward with empowering tales of self discovery that take the idea of finding yourself to a whole different level. I have always been fascinated with this. I often take for granted how easy it was for me to fall into line based on the basic attributes I knew to be true; I am a boy and I’m white. Those are two things that I knew to be true and certain at the base level of my personality. For F, these foundations were rattled later in live when he realized his body did not match up with the being he knew he was inside. I have known F since before his transition into a male so I have seen both sides of his story. I asked him a few questions to get an idea of what his experience has been in discovering his true identity and navigating societal norms and the values of his family life.
F identifies with South Asian/American Culture, queer culture, and local music culture. He is outwardly spoken about his identity and tires to help those who are struggling with their identity find their true selves. “When I was in elementary school I think I already knew I wanted to be a boy, or at least masculine. In 3rd grade I asked everyone to call me Julio and I got lessons from my best friend on how to be a boy. I remember he brought gym shorts and a bandana and we both stood outside the boys bathroom for like 15 minutes, but it smelled too bad so I never went inside. 10 year old me had it figured out and then we hit middle school and I learned quick that I better at least buy my clothing from the girls department or I would be even weirder and even more ostracized”. School is a primary factor in determining who we want to be in the eyes of our peers. We often find ourselves falling into the latest trend to keep up with what is “hip” and trying to stay on the same page as the people we hope to impress. To discover as aspect of yourself that strays from the norm, like F, takes an enormous amount of bravery especially in the early years of elementary school. As much as we wish to appeal to others like us it comes partly from a place of fear of not being accepted.
Like many, F felt the pressure of society through social media as he began to discover his true self later on. When asked about the influence of society through social media on his culture he had this to say: “I think mass media and the internet has had terrible influences on me. I think especially the wave of internet activism has been really difficult for me, as I tried to appreciate and participate in that culture, I just felt like I was doing less and less substantial work but felt more and more overwhelmed by the lack of action I was taking and the amount of guilt I felt. I think queer culture has been overwhelmingly positive, encouraging me to listen to my voice, love myself and not feel the need to change any part of myself for anyone. However, the female to male transgender community I found on the internet, while initially positive, contributed to a lot of my internalized toxic masculinity. Instagram is where I learned what the term transgender even meant, and what it actually looked like. It’s where I truly found my identity, but also where I equated a lot of negative habits to masculinity and developed a lot of really negative ideas about what it meant to transition”.
Along with battling the hypocrisy of social media, F also experienced friction at home. F comes from a family with religious undertones, making their beliefs on homosexuality and transgender people quite conservative. “Growing up queer in church, I learned real quick that a lot of the love and acceptance being preached was only towards a very small few, namely white, cis, straight people. It was hard to see that a structure that encouraged all these amazing ways of living life, could actually be acting in the complete opposite way, spreading hate, sidelining people and valuing beliefs over actual people’s lives. When I came out as gay, my best friends dad who also happened to be my church’s pastor, flat out told my parents that he would never facilitate my marriage because it went against what he believed in, BUT he still loved me and our family. That’s the narrative I got all the time. ‘We still love you, but you’re still a sinner’ thankfully, I never really bought into that bullshit and saw through the hypocrisy and hatred. It was scary to see people who I once looked up to as leaders, acting in such hateful ways. That was probably the first real crack in my questioning of beliefs. Thankfully my family followed suit in this break from the church, or at least specifically that church. I am constantly at odds with my mom. Although my family is very progressive, they have a hard time with the gender binary and some other more ‘radical’ theories. Every time I try to exercise my femininity it is always regulated by my mom, “You can’t wear nail polish, you’ll confuse people” ‘why do you always have to be so over the top?’. I know that my mom is only coming from a place of love and protection, but most of the time I can only hear that the way I am isn’t right. Luckily as I get older it’s easier to prioritize my happiness over making my mom happy, but it can be really difficult to feel at home in an environment where I constantly feel the need to perform my best.

My early adolescent was anchored in church, which looking back now is super funny. Church is where I started my love for music, being the youth worship leader at my church for 2 years. When I came out as queer and later trans, I took on the burden of being the queer ambassador for my church, engaging in conversation with everyone about whether or not being gay is a choice, always staying mild mannered, doing my best to be the best most perfect gay brown kid ever. Slowly over time I realized how exhausting and unfair of a job this was, and how some people were simply not going to change no matter what I did. I’m grateful that the church taught me so much patience and grace with assholes, but I think again I internalized a lot of really shitty views on queer people just from the snide comments all around me. At the time though, I was a very happy teen, I did a lot of things that I liked, and felt very lucky to have a lot of the resources I had. I had a girlfriend, a group of friends, and my parents were proud of my grades so I was basically golden”.
The hurdles that F had to conquer inevitably gave him more insight into himself. Our environment plays a pivotal role in how we turn out as a full fledged persona, but that does not mean we become replicas of that experience. Many people, such as F, use the hardships in their life to hone in on what they wish to change in our society. He was lucky enough to find music, as I did, as a way to release the tension and nonsense of life and give meaning to your experience and emotions. I feel sympathy for those who have not found that medium in which to escape from the things that make you doubt yourself. The hardships we face are what cut us into rounded human beings. The people who have seen first hand how a family can turn on you, or how religion and society can turn its back on you are often the people who walk on not their life with more perspective. When we talk about identity its easy to fall into the trope that we learn from what we see, and that is not entirely false. We do learn from what we see, but we often learn how not to live by the examples shown to us by the ignorant and the unknowing. Our individual cultures come from a place of comfort, a place in which we find ourselves feeling like we are apart of something greater. Beliefs and mindset are not hereditary and we need to stop acting like it is. No two people are exactly alike and thats what makes the world interesting.

• Who are we and What defines us?
• The Grand Overlap
• Saying hello to the person in the Mirror
• Identity
• What people say we are
• Hereditary Personality
• A face by face basis (its a pun on case by case and its bad)

Jake Pavlica
Composing the Self
Auto-Ethnography
Draft #3

Who are we and what defines us

In the early morning hours, the shades still shut preventing the grey gloom of the morning from fulling waking me, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Like a stranger passing on the street I don’t often give myself a second glance when I pass my reflection. On this day I turned back around and faced myself. It dawned on me that rarely do I look at myself in the mirror . Brushing my teeth and thinking about which plaid shirt I’ll wear today a singular question pings around my head like a pin ball machine; who am I?
I usually don’t give such existential questions the time of day. Asking myself metaphysical questions has never been something that gives me clarity, rather it just clouds my mind with so much thought that I begin picking apart every aspect of my being until only the surface level exoskeleton remains. For this reason I found this question interesting to explore. What really makes up an identity? The first thing I jump to is my experience. I have gone through public schooling, found a passion for art, and I’m fond of weekend debauchery just the same as many others. The small details of the categories we put ourselves in are the ones that make up our own ideas of ourselves.
With this exhibition into the heart of identity I will be interviewing others to find out what it is that makes us tick. For many, the culture they were born into becomes a primary baseline for their personality. Being born into religion, or a deeply rooted culture becomes our first insight into morality, the self, and our own ideals. It can act as guidelines for many; a set of rules to make life more understandable and structured. What I am curious to find out is what happens when someone begins to stray from the lifestyle they have been immersed in since birth. How do we find ourselves again when we begin swimming agains the current of the ideals we have been taught to be sacred.
One thing that is always brought up when speaking about identity is the concept of nature versus nurture. Nature versus nurture posits whether or not we are the sum of our genetics or the product of our environment. For many, the genetics they are given is a major source of their identity, given that certain aspects of life can be easier or difficult judging by the genetic code you are given. Our appearance is what shapes our interactions with society; how people treat us and the groups we find ourselves connecting with. Outside of society comes nurture, which relates to our home and family values. Nurture seeks to understand how our family atmosphere dictates our morales and worldview. The two terms are very much interconnected. I for one think it isn’t a versus relationship, but more of the two walking hand and hand. Either can be supported by the other, but the important takeaway is how does it determine your own mindset.
I was born a white male. Needless to say I have not faces the same amount of adversity as others who have faced systematic oppression in our society. Life can be hard for everyone at times, but being born a white male means that my skin color or gender has never been a factor that made life more difficult. I have always seen myself as an ally to those who have been through hardship with how society or their family has treated them. Though I cannot always relate to someones experience with hardship I lend a empathetic ear to them in order to find out what they have been through and what small things I can do to lessen that burden.
I have a great deal of friends who have experienced being an outsider in places that should feel like homes. In my interviews I will ask the following questions to get down to the root of what it is that led them to the paths they are on now.
When I was growing up, a process that I am not pretentious enough to admit is over, I considered myself a black sheep. I felt like I always stuck out of a crowd like a sore thumb and I wore that paranoia on my sleeve. I was jittery and didn’t know where I fit in. I was overweight as a child, a subject which I am still sensitive about. I was never piked first for teams in PE and I was never the kid that girls had a crush on. I was a goofy, disproportioned weirdo and I don’t think that has changed. Because I felt I was unattractive and had nothing to prove I never burdened myself with fulfilling expectations. In class I was unfiltered and a joker, I would try to make people laugh so they would like me and I actually ended up making some friends because of this. Low self esteem has a way of building up inside of you, and it creates a pressure unlike anything else. Everyone has experienced it. I would keep my eyes on the floor and hoped none would look at me for very long for fear that they would see the self hate that oozed from my being. Even with the the neurosis I held to be liked by everyone, I felt it was all in vain and that I would be a fat kid forever. In a way I was right. The second guessing and fear of not being found attractive sticks with you forever. Self consciousness is apart of every waking hour of my life and I could sit for hours picking apart the things I dislike about myself without ever seeing the full picture in the mirror. That pudgy mass of nervous energy is still inside and I don’t think I want it to go away. Because I was the cute fat kid no one expected anything from me. I wasn’t the hot guy on the playground that girls fawned over and chased; I was the kid who talked to his teachers like human beings and read comic books on the school benches and wished he could fly.
We develop our identity through our relationships.
Our first impression of friendship and connection comes from our parents, but that attention at times feels like a technicality. We cannot choose our family and we are older by that familial relationship. The family we can chose are our friends. As a child I felt that my personality was split down the middle between the one that my parents saw and my friends saw. Around my parents I was innocent, polite and respectful, but around my friends I unleashed some primal version of myself. I think this dichotomy is common when discovering what we are really all about. At some point the two personalities we juggle between these two enrollments converges and becomes who we display to the world.
My experience as an adolescence provided a baseline for my personality. Based on the genetics traits I was dealt, I manifested as the person I am now. Certain thing change over time; true, but that fundamental memory of a past life is still there. The people I meet now have no idea of who I used to be, of the clogged pours and bashful eyes that peered out through stringy blond bangs. Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of that old me walking past me in a reflection. I see that person in my shadow and I see that person when I feel others eyes on me. My past self will never be truly gone and I am grateful. I have been humbled by my beginnings and though those times were difficult and often completely miserable, I came out feeling like a better version of myself.
According to Jenny Nicholls, author of “The Nature of Nurture: How Much Genes Determine Identity.” These are the traits most commonly associated with being passed down genetically:
1 Personality 40%
2 General intelligence (eg reasoning) 50%
3 Spatial ability (eg navigation) 70%
4 Remembering faces 60%
5 Verbal ability 60%
6 School achievement 60%
7 Reading disability 60%
8 Autism 70%
9 Schizophrenia 50%
10 Stomach ulcers 70%
11 Breast cancer 10%
12 Weight 70%
13 Height 80%
14 Eye color 95%

I for one see only validity in physical features. To express that someone is merely a carbon copy of two conjoined organisms is a laughable statement. Science has a way of generalizing that I personally cannot get behind. It was not until a few years ago that academic physiology papers had to formally address that no two cases are exactly alike in terms of psychological nature, so why should personality be treated any different. I have a story belief that people are an analogous mixture of their genetics and their environments which come together to create the cohesive consciousness.
To combat the theory of passed down personality comes an article from Bandura and Mischel. “Walter Mischel’s Theory of Personality states that an individual’s behavior is influenced by two things- the specific attributes of a given situation and the manner in which he perceives the situation. In contrast to the traditional social cognitive theories, Mischel argued that a person only behaves in a similar manner whenever these actions are highly probable to yield into the same results. He emphasized that we have individual differences, so our values and expectancies must be consider in predicting a person’s behavior and personality.

According to Mischel, there are five person variables that contribute to the conditions of a specific situation. They are used in predicting how a person will most likely behave.”
1 Competencies – our intellectual capabilities as well as social skills.
2 Cognitive Strategies – the different perceptions of a specific event. For instance, what may be “threatening” for you may be “challenging” to another person.
3 Expectancies – the expected results of different behaviors that are realized by the person inside his mind.
4 Subjective Values – the respective value of each possible outcomes of various behaviors.
5 Self-regulatory systems – the groups of rules and standards that people adapt to in order to regulate their behavior.
The idea of adaption is prevalent, indicating that we are datable creatures, never fully formed and constantly in flux. Like my schooling example, we learn from the environment we are placed into and the baseline of the genetics we know to be ours is only a technicality in how we act in these situations.

My first interview was conducted with a person that I will refer to as “F” to protect the anonymity of this person, who happens to be a close friend of mine. F is transgender and identifies as a man. His story stands out to me in particular because the idea of the gender spectrum has only recently become apart of the normal everyday experience. Gender fluid and transgender people have come forward with empowering tales of self discovery that take the idea of finding yourself to a whole different level. I have always been fascinated with this. I often take for granted how easy it was for me to fall into line based on the basic attributes i knew to be true; I am a boy and I’m white. Those are two things that I knew to be true and certain at the base level of my personality. For F, these foundations were rattled later in live when he realized his body did not match up with the being he knew he was inside. I have known F since before his transition into a male so I have seen both sides of his story. I asked him a few questions to get an idea of what his experience has been in discovering his true identity and navigating societal norms and the values of his family life.

Me: In what cultural would you say you belong?

F: I think I would identify with queer culture, South Asian/American Culture, and local music culture lolol

Me: How do you think that culture has influenced you? (both good and bad)
F: I think mass media and the internet has had terrible terrible influences on me. I think especially the wave of internet activism has been really difficult for me, as I tried to appreciate and participate in that culture, I just felt like I was doing less and
less substantial work but felt more and more overwhelmed by the lack of action I was taking and the amount of guilt I felt. I think queer culture has been overwhelmingly positive, encouraging me to listen to my voice, love myself and not feel the need to change
any part of myself for anyone. However, the female to male transgender community I found on the internet, while initially positive, contributed to a lot of my internalized toxic masculinity. Instagram is where I learned what the term transgender even meant,
and what it actually looked like. It’s where I truly found my identity, but also where I equated a lot of negative habits to masculinity and developed a lot of really negative ideas about what it meant to transition.

Me: Have there been times where familial or societal standards have challenged your personal beliefs?

Yes. I am constantly at odds with my mom. Although my family is very progressive, they have a hard time with the gender binary and some other more “radical” theories. Every time I try to exercise my femininity it is always regulated by my mom, “You can’t wear nail
polish, you’ll confuse people” “why do you always have to be so over the top?”. I know that my mom is only coming from a place of love and protection, but most of the time I can only hear that the way I am isn’t right. Luckily as I get older it’s easier to
prioritize my happiness over making my mom happy, but it can be really difficult to feel at home in an environment where I constantly feel the need to perform my best.

Me: Describe your childhood? What things stick out? (Cultural or religious practices)

F: I grew up going to Austria ever summer. That’s probably the biggest thing I remember. That’s where I learned how to speak German, and when I would come back sometimes I’d keep talking in German while all my American friends would just stare at me absolutely
fucking baffled. I loved my sisters a lot but we would physically fight all the time, and not like play fights, we would chase each other around with knives, face punches and choke holds had frequent appearances as well. Eating out was super exciting, something
I think about a lot as I rely on fast food to eat a good chunk of my meals. Excellence was always kind of like the standard, getting A’s was not good enough. One time I remember getting a 97% on an exam and my mom going, “What happened with the other 3%?” When
I was in elementary school I think I already knew I wanted to be a boy, or at least masculine. In 3rd grade I asked everyone to call me Julio and I got lessons from my best friend on how to be a boy. I remember he brought gym shorts and a bandana and we both
stood outside the boys bathroom for like 15 minutes, but it smelled too bad so I never went inside. 10 year old me had it figured out and then we hit middle school and I learned quick that I better at least buy my clothing from the girls department or I would
be even weirder and even more ostracized.

Me: Do you think your beliefs were shaped by your environment growing up? Were they determined by your own truth seeking?

F: Oh damn. I think about this every freaking day. Are these my own opinions or am I just a product of my environment. I’ve always felt that my beliefs about life at least until college were always my own. Especially my queer and trans identity has been my own.
I think as I get older things start to feel less and less my own as I realize that I am so influenced by everything around me. But I’ve always felt super self-determined and individualistic, I don’t think I would ever accredit a majority of my belief-shaping/truth-seeking
to any other individual, but definitely social structures or themes or environments.

Me: Was there ever moment where you questioned the beliefs you had been taught? Was there an incident that brought up this questioning?

F: Yes. Growing up queer in church, I learned real quick that a lot of the love and acceptance being preached was only towards a very small few, namely white, cis, straight people. It was hard to see that a structure that encouraged all these amazing ways of living
life, could actually be acting in the complete opposite way, spreading hate, sidelining people and valuing beliefs over actual people’s lives. When I came out as gay, my best friends dad who also happened to be my church’s pastor, flat out told my parents
that he would never facilitate my marriage because it went against what he believed in, BUT he still loved me and our family. That’s the narrative I got all the time. “We still love you, but you’re still a sinner” thankfully, I never really bought into that
bullshit and saw through the hypocrisy and hatred. It was scary to see people who I once looked up to as leaders, acting in such hateful ways. That was probably the first real crack in my questioning of beliefs. Thankfully my family followed suit in this break
from the church, or at least specifically that church.

Me: What was your early adolescence like? What were some challenges you faced?

F: My early adolescent was anchored in church, which looking back now is super funny. Church is where I started my love for music, being the youth worship leader at my church for 2 years. When I came out as queer and later trans, I took on the burden of being the
queer ambassador for my church, engaging in conversation with everyone about whether or not being gay is a choice, always staying mild mannered, doing my best to be the best most perfect gay brown kid ever. Slowly over time I realized how exhausting and unfair
of a job this was, and how some people were simply not going to change no matter what I did. I’m grateful that the church taught me so much patience and grace with assholes, but I think again I internalized a lot of really shitty views on queer people just
from the snide comments all around me. At the time though, I was a very happy teen, I did a lot of things that I liked, and felt very lucky to have a lot of the resources I had. I had a girlfriend, a group of friends, and my parents were proud of my grades
so I was basically golden haha.

Me: When do you feel most like yourself?

F: I feel most like myself when I am making music, super fucking faded or with my friends. Especially when I can be loud and not feel like I am disturbing people.

Me What culture would you say you belong in now?

F: Oh gosh, I have no freaking clue. Music? Yeah, I think i’d say music culture. Cause thats so broad you cant pin it down to one thing, and that’s kind of how I’d describe myself too.

My second interview was with a person we will call G. He is a latino American as well a twin. He has expressed to me multiple times the frustration of never fully feeling unique knowing there is someone walking around in his same social circles who looks just like him. Here is what he had to say in response to my questions.

Me: In what cultural would you say you belong?

G: I would definitely say my culture is Latino, mainly Mexican as most of the family I have near me is on my mom’s side who is Mexican. My dad is Argentinian so we do eat some Argentinian food, and participate in aspects of his heritage.

Me: How do you think that culture has influenced you? (both good and bad)

G: This culture has made life much more beautiful, and textured, as moments in my life are seen through whole, genuine perspectives that I couldn’t have had, if I wasn’t born into my culture. However, there are moments where problems/concerns in the U.S. are not even real to Mexicans, or Argentinians, which at times leaves me skeptical, and ignorant.

Me: Have there been times where familial or societal standards have challenged your personal beliefs?

G: Not really only because I have lived in progressive LA for all my life, but I have rare occasions where people are ignorant, or judgmental based on my assumed ethnicity.

Me: Describe your childhood? What things stick out? (Cultural or religious practices)

Me: Do you think your beliefs were shaped by your environment growing up? Were they determined by your own truth seeking?

G: My childhood was extremely well lived, I never had a dull moment, with adventure and family always close.

Me: Do you think your beliefs were shaped by your environment growing up? Were they determined by your own truth seeking?

G: Both! I think about this often, and am proud to say both. I value tradition, as they build parts of my personality, and family structure. However I do also value freedom, and discovery, so I seek my own truths by chasing new experiences, and scenarios.

Me: Was there ever moment where you questioned the beliefs you had been taught? Was there an incident that brought up this questioning?

G: I have had many moments where I questioned my own beliefs, as they’ve lead me to conflict, sadness and loss, but after some deep thought, and time to experience, and practice other beliefs I have come back to what my parents have always shown/taught me.

Me: What was your early adolescence like? What were some challenges you faced?

G: My early adolescence was rough, I wasn’t very good looking, or popular so I wasn’t treated well, nor did I treat myself well, but after some time with good friends, and family I learned to take better care of myself which meant not listening to what others thought of me, rather listening to what I thought, and wanted of myself, as well as listening to what my parents thought and wanted of me. These rough moments definitely shaped me to be more self assured and confident, as I had to find who I was so that I could prove to myself I wasn’t what others thought of me.

Me: When do you feel most like yourself?

G: I feel most myself around family and friends, as well as when I am with my own thoughts, writing what I know, doing what I know. These moments usually spark new trains of thoughts, leading me to grow in ways I can never take full credit for.

Me What culture would you say you belong in now?

G: The same one I have always belonged to, a loving culture full of growth, and happiness which may change who I surround myself with at times, but these traits never really do. So for now, and i’m hoping for a while, is gonna be the youthful music scene of LA, but specifically a bunch of really kind, cool, happy dorks from Culver City, Santa Monica, and one really big dork from Venice.

My auto ethnography focuses on what I think is the most universal topic of all time; the idea of identity.I have always wondering what facts led to me becoming the way that I am now and I think many others feel the same. Of course, no two experiences are exactly alike, and there are certain factors that effect some that other people have not experienced. With the idea of the subjective and multiple perspective I have set out to collect interviews from a diverse set of sources. One thing I have noticed is that my sources are all people who have found a culture that south their values that perhaps their predetermined family environment could not provide or agree with. My interviews are with the black sheep; those who have seen adversity in their experience which has shaped who they have become. These interviews, coupled with my own insight and stories will hopefully connect to multiple people who have seen something similar or felt a similar way. My main questions focuses on how we have been influenced by what we have grown up believing is true, and what grounds this has in how we turn out. I have always had mixed views on the imposition of values of families onto a child who does not see eye to eye with them and in this paper I will try and approach that with as much objectivity as I can muster. Much of this paper will also be a person reflection on how I see things and how those who I am interviewing see things. It will be unfiltered, but professional.

Questions for the Author

Ch: 1 – A Timeless Trance

The Cubs fan Philosophy- “Too much of a good thing isn’t always good… Be careful what you wish for… And of course, ‘wait until next year'”

• What good thing in excess is this referring too? What did the Cubs fans wish for that came back to bite them? What are the Cubs fans waiting for? A victory? A change?

“I decided to be contrary and root for the Cubs”

• Is your love for the Cubs stemmed from rebellion or rooting for the underdog? Or is it both?
• What is it about Chicago that entrances you? Is it solely from baseball or from some other connection?

“One of the charming things about baseball is that fact that you just never know”

• Is this was keeps bringing you back to root for a team that has let you down so many times? Is it faith? Is it hope? Is it pride?

Ch:2 – Kindness of Strangers

• When talking about how the ticket taker at the train gave you a ride to the Cubs convention sole because of your connection through sports was there any hesitation in getting in a car with a stranger? Was it immediate trust because of sports?
• How were you able to recollect the story he told you in the car? Did you record it or take notes?
• “Time may be running out for us Cub fans” – running out for what?

Jake Pavlica
Composing the Self
Auto-Ethnography
Draft #3

Who are we and what defines us

In the early morning hours, the shades still shut preventing the grey gloom of the morning from fulling waking me, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Like a stranger passing on the street I don’t often give myself a second glance when I pass my reflection. On this day I turned back around and faced myself. It dawned on me that rarely do I look at myself in the mirror . Brushing my teeth and thinking about which plaid shirt I’ll wear today a singular question pings around my head like a pin ball machine; who am I?
I usually don’t give such existential questions the time of day. Asking myself metaphysical questions has never been something that gives me clarity, rather it just clouds my mind with so much thought that I begin picking apart every aspect of my being until only the surface level exoskeleton remains. For this reason I found this question interesting to explore. What really makes up an identity? The first thing I jump to is my experience. I have gone through public schooling, found a passion for art, and I’m fond of weekend debauchery just the same as many others. The small details of the categories we put ourselves in are the ones that make up our own ideas of ourselves.
With this exhibition into the heart of identity I will be interviewing others to find out what it is that makes us tick. For many, the culture they were born into becomes a primary baseline for their personality. Being born into religion, or a deeply rooted culture becomes our first insight into morality, the self, and our own ideals. It can act as guidelines for many; a set of rules to make life more understandable and structured. What I am curious to find out is what happens when someone begins to stray from the lifestyle they have been immersed in since birth. How do we find ourselves again when we begin swimming agains the current of the ideals we have been taught to be sacred.
One thing that is always brought up when speaking about identity is the concept of nature versus nurture. Nature versus nurture posits whether or not we are the sum of our genetics or the product of our environment. For many, the genetics they are given is a major source of their identity, given that certain aspects of life can be easier or difficult judging by the genetic code you are given. Our appearance is what shapes our interactions with society; how people treat us and the groups we find ourselves connecting with. Outside of society comes nurture, which relates to our home and family values. Nurture seeks to understand how our family atmosphere dictates our morales and worldview. The two terms are very much interconnected. I for one think it isn’t a versus relationship, but more of the two walking hand and hand. Either can be supported by the other, but the important takeaway is how does it determine your own mindset.
I was born a white male. Needless to say I have not faces the same amount of adversity as others who have faced systematic oppression in our society. Life can be hard for everyone at times, but being born a white male means that my skin color or gender has never been a factor that made life more difficult. I have always seen myself as an ally to those who have been through hardship with how society or their family has treated them. Though I cannot always relate to someones experience with hardship I lend a empathetic ear to them in order to find out what they have been through and what small things I can do to lessen that burden.
I have a great deal of friends who have experienced being an outsider in places that should feel like homes. In my interviews I will ask the following questions to get down to the root of what it is that led them to the paths they are on now.

(This is where the interviews will come be placed, followed by my other research)

• In what cultural would you say you belong?
  • How do you think that culture has influenced you? (both good and bad)
  • Have there been times where familial or societal standards have challenged your personal beliefs?
  • Describe your childhood? What things stick out? (Cultural or religious practices)
  • Do you think your beliefs were shaped by your environment growing up? Were they determined by your own truth seeking?
  • Was there ever moment where you questioned the beliefs you had been taught? Was there an incident that brought up this questioning?
  • What was your early adolescence like? What were some challenges you faced?
  • When do you feel most like yourself?
  • What culture would you say you belong in now?

(Research to be reworded and integrated)
Walter Mischel’s Theory of Personality states that an individual’s behavior is influenced by two things- the specific attributes of a given situation and the manner in which he perceives the situation. In contrast to the traditional social cognitive theories, Mischel argued that a person only behaves in a similar manner whenever these actions are highly probable to yield into the same results. He emphasized that we have individual differences, so our values and expectancies must be consider in predicting a person’s behavior and personality.
According to Mischel, there are five person variables that contribute to the conditions of a specific situation. They are used in predicting how a person will most likely behave.
1 Competencies – our intellectual capabilities as well as social skills.
2 Cognitive Strategies – the different perceptions of a specific event. For instance, what may be “threatening” for you may be “challenging” to another person.
3 Expectancies – the expected results of different behaviors that are realized by the person inside his mind.
4 Subjective Values – the respective value of each possible outcomes of various behaviors.
5 Self-regulatory systems – the groups of rules and standards that people adapt to in order to regulate their behavior.
https://explorable.com/social-cognitive-theories-of-personality

How much are these traits influenced by genetics, according to the latest science?
1 Personality 40%
2 General intelligence (eg reasoning) 50%
3 Spatial ability (eg navigation) 70%
4 Remembering faces 60%
5 Verbal ability 60%
6 School achievement 60%
7 Reading disability 60%
8 Autism 70%
9 Schizophrenia 50%
10 Stomach ulcers 70%
11 Breast cancer 10%
12 Weight 70%
13 Height 80%
14 Eye color 95%
https://www.noted.co.nz/currently/science/nature-vs-nurture-how-much-genes-determine-identity/

(The role of education- school environment socially- and academically- seeing new perspectives)
We develop our identity through our relationships. Our first impression of friendship and connection comes from our parents, but that attention at times feels like a technicality. We cannot choose our family and we are older by that familial relationship. The family we can chose are our friends. As a child I felt that my personality was split down the middle between the one that my parents saw and my friends saw. Around my parents I was innocent, polite and respectful, but around ym friends I unleashed some primal version of myself. I think this dichotomy is common when discovering what we are really all about. At some point the two personalities we juggle between these two enrollments converges and becomes who we display to the world.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201506/can-we-choose-our-identity

Ley, David J. “Can We Choose Our Identity?” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201506/can-we-choose-our-identity.

https://www.noted.co.nz/currently/science/nature-vs-nurture-how-much-genes-determine-identity/

Nicholls, Jenny. “The Nature of Nurture: How Much Genes Determine Identity.” Noted, North & South , 16 Jan. 2019, http://www.noted.co.nz/currently/science/nature-vs-nurture-how-much-genes-determine-identity/.

https://explorable.com/culture-and-personality

Sincero, Sarah Mae. “Does Culture Affect Our Personality? – Individual Traits and Culture.” Does Culture Affect Our Personality? – Individual Traits and Culture, 5 Apr. 2012, explorable.com/culture-and-personality.

I plan to use this research as well as my interviews in the ethnography. I am in the process of locating more scientific studies on the subject, but as of now I am approaching this using different journalistic perspectives. The majority research will be located in one dense paragraph and will lead into my interviews to see if people agree with some of the statements listed by educated authors. (Pardon the lack of formatting on my citations, I don’t know how to create that hanging indent on this site).

I like who the story begins with a narrative. it follows the narrator as she confronts her illness in an interaction with Cherry Garcia ice cream. Her attention to detail and the quality of her behaviors make her metal state more easily graspable to the inexperienced reader. From there she goes into detail about the research that has been done on Bulimia. Personally, I am much more attached to her story rather than her research; the constant citing of sources within the body paragraphs takes me out of the story and makes the subject matter less retainable. I was happy, however, that after her research she slides us back into her own experience with therapists and physicians. I like how she challenges the research she hd brought up only sentences before.

I also enjoyed how her narrative ping pong across different time periods in her life. We start with her at 24 and then later we here a story from when she is 14. I think showing the amount of time she has lived with this ailment is important. She takes us through her entire life with bulimia and also takes to the end of that life, when she is finally rid of it. Over all I think she approached the ethnography in the best way possible and she kept it very personal.

Jake Pavlica
Composing the Self
Auto-Ethnography
Draft #2

Who are we and what defines us

In the early morning hours, the shades still shut preventing the grey gloom of the morning from fulling waking me, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Like a stranger passing on the street I don’t often give myself a second glance when I pass my reflection. On this day I turned back around and faced myself. Brushing my teeth and thinking about which plaid shirt I’ll wear today a singular question pings around my head like a pin ball machine; who am I?
I usually don’t give such existential questions the time of day. Asking myself metaphysical questions has never been something that gives me clarity, rather it just clouds my mind with so much thought that I begin picking apart every aspect of my being until only the surface level exoskeleton remains. For this reason I found this question interesting to explore. What really makes up an identity? The first thing I jump to is my experience. I have gone through public schooling, found a passion for art, and I’m fond of weekend debauchery just the same as many others. The small details of the categories we put ourselves in are the ones that make up our own ideas of ourselves.
With this exhibition into the heart of identity I will be interviewing others to find out what it is that makes us tick. For many, the culture they were born into becomes a primary baseline for their personality. Being born into religion, or a deeply rooted culture becomes our first insight into morality, the self, and our own ideals. It can act as guidelines for many; a set of rules to make life more understandable and structured. What I am curious to find out is what happens when someone begins to stray from the lifestyle they have been immersed in since birth. How do we find ourselves again when we begin swimming agains the current of the ideals we have been taught to be sacred.
One thing that is always brought up when speaking about identity is the concept of nature versus nurture. Nature versus nurture posits whether or not we are the sum of our genetics or the product of our environment. For many, the genetics they are given is a major source of their identity, given that certain aspects of life can be easier or difficult judging by the genetic code you are given. Our appearance is what shapes our interactions with society; how people treat us and the groups we find ourselves connecting with. Outside of society comes nurture, which relates to our home and family values. Nurture seeks to understand how our family atmosphere dictates our morales and worldview. The two terms are very much interconnected. I for one think it isn’t a versus relationship, but more of the two walking hand and hand. Either can be supported by the other, but the important takeaway is how does it determine your own mindset.
I was born a white male. Needless to say I have not faces the same amount of adversity as others who have faced systematic oppression in our society. Life can be hard for everyone at times, but being born a white male means that my skin color or gender has never been a factor that made life more difficult. I have always seen myself as an ally to those who have been through hardship with how society or their family has treated them. Though I cannot always relate to someones experience with hardship I lend a empathetic ear to them in order to find out what they have been through and what small things I can do to lessen that burden.
I have a great deal of friends who have experienced being an outsider in places that should feel like homes. In my interviews I will ask the following questions to get down to the root of what it is that led them to the paths they are on now.

(This is where the interviews will come be placed, followed by my other research)

• In what cultural would you say you belong?
  • How do you think that culture has influenced you? (both good and bad)
  • Have there been times where familial or societal standards have challenged your personal beliefs?
  • Describe your childhood? What things stick out? (Cultural or religious practices)
  • Do you think your beliefs were shaped by your environment growing up? Were they determined by your own truth seeking?
  • Was there ever moment where you questioned the beliefs you had been taught? Was there an incident that brought up this questioning?
  • What was your early adolescence like? What were some challenges you faced?
  • When do you feel most like yourself?
  • What culture would you say you belong in now?