Personal Essay Final Draft

Jake Pavlica
Composing the Self
Personal Essay Final Draft

Pursuing Imperfection

We are all sentient jigsaw puzzles. Human beings are the amalgam of bizarre shapes that they have amassed over years of experience. Through trials and tribulations we are all in search of finding all the pieces that will make us whole and fulfilled. I myself have been in pursuit of the illusive wholeness we all claw for since I can remember, but I have recently made it my goal to keep some pieces out of the equation.
I see this common theme infecting the minds of many members of my generation; this idea that we are already equipped to deal with the real world. I have never felt that I have the full arsenal of worlds knowledge at my disposal and for this I am actually grateful. I do not think it is enough to listen to someone talk about a world view from an objective standpoint. All and all we are all student of humanity so it does us no favors to get all of our information from one source and take it as fact, or our own opinion. Rather, we can focus the effort it takes to absorb the knowledge of the world and filter it into our everyday experience; seeking out new ideas and viewpoints so that we can better understand people and our own mind. If one is to maintain the ignorance that what they are told is the truth and the sum of all facts then we are diluting the human experience and creating a larger bubble of misinformation. We all have our own personal bubble that we run to in order to reassure ourselves that our world view is correct and in this we find a sense of self and reassurance. It is no doubt comforting to be confirmed in your beliefs and to hear that other have your opinions, but then what have you truly learned? You have discovered your own straight and your weakness. The strength that comes with this self realization makes you feel as if you stand high above those who feel differently and because of that you want them to try and climb up toy our level. Within us all is the craving for people to change for you, but this will not lead you to a wholeness. It is important to have the baseline of your beliefs; something that you can always return to in order to stay grounded, but it should not limit you from wanting to learn more.
In this day and age we are divided into teams. We allow our differences to define our relationships with one another rather than letting them be part of our intertwined experience. Our ability to converse about these different in culture has led to a world shut off from interaction for fear of being offensive or simply not knowing how to start the conversation. The key thing is that it should be a conversation. We should be willing to discuss and keep an open mind long enough to alert people of our inner realities without talking at them. Communication is a two way street and no one learns better than in a mutual interaction. In terms of political thought we subscribe to the what I call “us and them”. It is a simple theory which basically includes a persons own school of thought, as well as the community surrounding it, combating the “other” of that. We are so quick to label ourselves with this grand title that proves to others that we are apart of a group that thinks a certain way. Again, we return to seeking meaning in the definition of a group rather than searching for your own personalized views. Whoever does no agree with us if thrown into the “them” or “other” category and we develop an animosity toward them for not agreeing with us. To seek out imperfection is to accept the fact that each person is unique first and foremost. I truly do not believe that two people, much less a global network of people, all feel the exact same about every social idea. So why do we seek this group identity? Probably because it is safer to be animus in a mob than to be front and center in a school of though which only you may belong to. What happens when we group identity is a vicious cycle of generalization and vilifying. For the people who do not belong to our side we able them as savage or uncivilized to just plain stupid. There is this massive argument of free speech and thought but when it comes down to it we classify as either good or evil. We do away with the gray area ignored to further divid ourselves. We either belong to the blue team or the red team, the black team or the white team. Is it so impossible to exist in your own personalized area?
I emphasize this idea of achieving your own level of imperfection so that you remain uncomfortable and hungry. Once you settle into a lifestyle or frame of thinking you stifle yourself from growing as a person. To remain imperfect is to accept the fact that you can’t always change others but you can change yourself. You can discover new sides of the human experience by not attacking people just for their beliefs. Evil does exist in this world and if their actions are that of utter discriminatory, ignorant, villainy then by all means pick up the pitchforks and storm the castle. But if you feel your mind becoming agitated and hot because someone says something you don’t agree with, instead of running back to your safe bubble why not confront the person and ask why they feel that way. Why not discover something new about yourself, find some new boundary that you didn’t know you could cross.
I think often on how we seek out confirmation. We look at familiar news sources to grasp a digestible, sane reality. I remember speaking with a group of friends and the topic of politics came out. Looking over their phone screens they scoffed at the latest scandalous headline and furrowed their brows at the divided world we live in. I always feel outside of these conversations; the ones where people fling out facts and evidence like combatting catapult operators. I feel like I am in-between, perched comfortably on the fence observing their behaviors. It brings a smile to my face to see conversation, but not when its just people waiting to talk as their opponent finished their argument. Once my friends were done sparring I said; “See how great this is?”.
It is frustrating though that these insights I have can be so easily thrown away due to how young I am. Every moment that political thought is addressed I am constantly reminded of the little experience I have in the world. I recall sitting at a dinner party, which was filled with family friends who are lawyers, accountants, and industry professionals. The topics that emerge are usually pleasantry; “How’s school?, do you have a girlfriend?, are you still in that band?”. All these questions have definite answers. “Fine, no, yes” was the only way I could respond. When we sat around the table and politics came up I was again greeted by the verbal sparring I had witness before. When I would chime in to try and ask a question or pose something I would be shot down and told that I didn’t understand the way things work. I began to think that it was true, that I was clueless and naive. But I later realized that those are traits that I value. I like that I don’t know everything. I understand that I have many years to come in which I will further my knowledge of the way things work. When the time comes when I feel that I have gained that cynical enlightenment of the people at the dinner party I will try and be better. I won’t shoot down a youth trying to discover some new facet of life.
The worst thing you can do for yourself is feel that you have reached your maximum potential; either in your own knowledge or your craft. I have always enjoyed staying fractured. When I’m told “good job” on something I dismiss it with a “thank you”. I am grateful that pole feel the need to affirm me or support me, but I don’t walk way with anything tangible. I worked out an arrangement with my father when I was very young that he would always give it to me straight. When I would get off stage at a show I was playing and friends and family would flatter me, I would pull my dad aside and tell him to give me his honest opinion. He would highlight the pros and cons of my performance, not holding back any critique. Some may feel this is harsh, but I think it keeps me living. I don’t want to give anything time to settle, or harden. Because of my fathers honesty I am able to stay elastic and malleable. The ability to change is one that I hope to never take for granted.
Even though these factors exist that try to determine our agency I think it is important to not let the past die. I often reflect on how far I have come; as a person and an illegitimate philosopher. My past is not one that I care to revel in. I recall from an early age battling insecurity with my appearance and my personality. I felt like an outcast, like a leper who was tolerated. It is this frame of thinking from my early youth that shapes my drive to look forward. I have no desire to relive those feelings or sit in an awful memory of my self-loathing any longer than necessary. This past is apart of me, as much as every fiber of my being wishes it could have been different. In my own eyes I have always been imperfect and I found way to shift that introspection into something that can help me. Things are better now. Life has its peaks and its valleys but I also have that particular case in my life to reference and avoid. It is one piece of myself that remains true throughout my new experiences; like when you hit a pothole in the road and are instantly more awake.
Because of my own neurosis for my own growth I implore everyone I meet to not seek the thing that will comfort you, seek the thing that will make you reconsider your definition of comfortable. There is an endless spectrum of colorful teams out there who have voices just like you that are unheard in the universal shouting match of our binary society. Challenge this framework by being a freelance agent of the human race and find your own solid ground.
I often wonder who I am, to think that I have any right to talk about such a touchy subject for some. In the eyes of many I am still a child, though my age indicated thats I’ve been alive for two decades, no wisdom is generally attributed to me. I am an embodiment of a purgatory between adult certainty and childish nonsense. I have yet to have the crushing weight of the world on my shoulders. Many people in our world today use their perceptions and they group identity to try and lessen that heaviness. I’m still looking up at the quivering arms of Atlas holding the world over my head, either to protect me or squash my like a lowly insect.
At times it can be frustrating to feel that you have no identity besides the statistics you subscribe to; student, male, millennial etc. All the subdivisions of ourselves that we rely on for answers. I know that I am more than the sum of my characteristics. I have lighting firing through my brain giving me the impulses to seek out the new. When I stray from a group I sprint, and though the people I have left behind think I’m nothing more than an aimless child, I still return with the fresh realization gleaming in my eyes. I have seen something new, felt something new and I feel more whole because of it. A piece has fallen into place. But that memory will sink below the surface over time and leave room for another. I chose to remain imperfect and hungry because I have seen what the other side looks like. Hypocrisy runs rapid in our electric minds and we love to point fingers. I feel no spite, no animosity towards those who think differently from me. For me, them continuing in their reality, no matter how ignorant, only teaches me more about myself. Beyond good and evil, there lies the perfect purgatory for a growing mind to exist and learn. Why be in a rush to be someone specific? The comfort, I suppose, is the most intoxicating pursuit; to look in the mirror and recognize all the moving parts and what they mean. All I can encourage is to let yourself outgrow your parts. Shed things off like the skin of a snake, try on new hats. Challenge your own beliefs and follow the path that our head tells you, not the screaming radical beside you. We live in a world full of divisions and we have no responsibility to anyone but ourselves. So to all the people riding the fence, sweating and hoping a gust of revelation will push you to a certain side, be thankful for your objectivity and your questions.
Did that make any sense?